Men Have the Best Material

I want to acknowledge to myself a taboo desire...at least in certain circles. Oh, how I wish I were a man sometimes. There are things...things I want to do as a man . What are they? Be in high speed car chases, kick the shit out of someone, be in a war, be in prison. Oh sure, sure you say. You can do those things as a woman. Except they're no good, they're no fun that way. There are some things you just have to do as a man. I grew up on literature and films celebrating raw masculinity in all its ugliness. Maybe...subconsciously I assumed I would

have two women at once,

visit prostitutes in between plane flights,

assassinate someone,

get blow jobs from my friends in between taking drugs and picking up chicks,

cheat on my pregnant wife,

have sex with the teenage babysitter,

have an affair with a young punk in prison,

be responsible for a brutal massacre,

.feel guilty for another guy's death after he drove off a cliff playing chicken

Sadly, I never wanted really had any overwhelming desire:

to fall in love with my employer while governess to his children,

warm the heart of an arrogant man with ten thousand pounds a year,

be brave and spunky while caring for younger sisters.

I wanted to shoot to kill. I wanted to survive against the odds. I wanted to engage in sheer brutality but keep my jaded dignity intact and still be capable of love and compassion. Oh, how desperately I wanted to be in a war in spite of my need for lipstick, nail polish and good conditioner, my meek nature, my horror at actual violence and bloodshed.

It's even worse than that. I think I want to be a pre-war man, no a mid-war man. A man before 1967. A pre-second wave feminism man. A man's man. A shameless man.

In a causal setting it is obviously easier. But a chick dressed as a man is never Yossarian, Henry Miller, Jack Kerouac.There are always...options. But it is never quite the same. Faux manhood used to be easier to get away with and pre-19th century there was a coolness to it will never have now. The army, prisons do physical exams so it won't work now.a>