Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Oh, The Sorrow

Yes, I'm depressed. Very depressed. Like some other bloggers I don't know but whose blogs I read.

When I am depressed things seem dark and terrible no matter what they are. And right now the most horrific things I've been confronted with are couches.

The horribleness of people's couches. I have a strange addiction to Craigs List. I myself have the rattiest couch imaginable (passed through many, many hands)so I was seduced one day by a very groovy couch on sale for $200.

Mentally, I redecorated. They said I could buy it. Slowly, but surely, I built up a castle in the clouds. The couch, the sofa, whatever you want to call it changed my life... forever. I rearranged things in my mind and the couch lay at the center of a dramatic and lasting personal transformation. My daughter would not grow up in a house with a stained (and I mean stained) futon covered by a faded tapestry the most aesthetically challenged deadhead would be ashamed to own.

No...She would grow up in a house with a modern sofa of clean lines which I later learned (after the tragedy I will soon relate) could be bought from Ikea.

A sofa named Allerum.

And then...sob...they sold the couch. Those bastards! And then there was the Craigslist Domino Effect wherein we had sold our 'couch' and had to back out at the last minute for fear of being couchless.

And then came the 'couch day' where your narrator spent a day on Craigslist (with occasional forays into eBay) looking at people's couches.

God, it wasn't pretty.

The horror, the horror.

I know it's just depression talking but these couches seemed to represent all that was wrong with the world. Huge items, only parts of which are biodegradable, taking up space, collecting dust mites, sucking up natural resources while also being pathetic and sad and ugly...And the people seemed to fail to realize the frightful nature of their couch. Although I cannot bring myself to follow up on each and every one of those couches I do want to know: What did become of you, o couch? Did some desperate soul buy you even in all your ugliness? Did they pay hundreds of dollars to reside with you day in, day out?

There is often a tone of urgency or regret...Great couch must go!!! Or people assure they really love their couch but they have to move but want the couch to have 'a good home.'

Where is it written everyone must have a couch? Have there always been couches? Yes, I know. The Romans had their couches where they lounged and were fed grapes and all that. But is there a couchless society, a sofa free zone where I can go? Can we not break our addiction to this item of furniture? What is it doing to us, to our humanity?

And why do people buy these things when they cost more than 2 tickets to Tahiti? Wouldn't we all be better off in Tahiti?

There is no Ikea near us and I can't bring myself to continue on the couch quest so don't even go there.

How can you not want a couch you can call 'Ektorp'?

My darling, my Ekeskog. It might feel so valiant. Like Excalibur, the couch, the couch named Ekeskog.

Tomelilla has landfowl feathers. Yes, that's right: landfowl feathers. At first I thought: Chickens? But then realized pigeons were a possibility. It's hard to know what a landfowl is as Ikea has simply made up this new natural category but I assume flying birds do not count.

No. In fact there seems to be a category of feathered things called landfowl. So it has to be chickens but I suppose they simply could not say chickens but at the same time wanted to trumpet the fact they were 'feathers.' You can't say it's goosedown but I wonder if you're using chicken feathers it might b best not to go into it at all.

Sometimes marketing is hard.


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