People's diaries are read posthumously...

Now that this is my diary and it is on the web is it being read humously?

The great thing about this diary is it can't be read posthumously by surviving relatives. Only currently by total strangers.

Dear Diary,

Tonight I drank and smoked and heard about my friend and his lover who is obsessed with a famous rock star who he doesn't know in person but who he thinks he loves instead of my friend.

Tonight I realized something quite funky is going on with my own husband.

Tonight I also realized that although I can't stop worrying about it, that funky thing will be figured out/found out eventually...used to care to know, now that I know I will know eventually I don't need to know now.

Tonight it was cold, very, very cold.

Tonight I remembered 10 years ago getting drunk and smoking cigarettes with that very same friend. If I'd known 10 years ago my life would reach even this temporary holding pattern of moderate settled-ness I would have never been so skeered like I was.

You'd think this would make me realize I don't need to be so skeered now but it doesn't.

Also, if someone had told me that eventually I would pull through I don't think I would have tried so hard and hence would not have pulled through.

Although I did ask the Magic 8-Ball and it tended to give me good prognoses on the whole.

I was very happy yesterday for my other friend's gift of Good and Evil Hot Sauce and a calendario of the Reyes Azteca.

Would I have thought the current situation I am in is tragically mediocre or fabulously glamourous? If I had known the things I was terrified about were not going to happen would I have just moved further into the future and fixated on some terrifying thing in the further distance?

Are there people our there who don't worry or is this the human condition?

That's all for now, dear diary.