Thursday, February 27, 2003

I've figured it out

There was this guy's blog that said: Just shut up about the war already!

And I realized why I can't shut up or stop thinking about it. Why I write in my 'diary' (and then post on this blog) all this bla bla about the war.

Well, it's important and all that. But I figured out what it is LIKE: It's just like a bad relationship.

You know how when you have a bad relationship you sit around thinking about all the ways to win the arguments and fights? And when you are breaking up it's the first thing that pops into your head in the morning. You wake up and say to yourself: "ooooooh. Blech." And you keep thinking that if you just said the right thing you would convince the crazy person you are with that they should change their ways?

And then you bore your friends constantly talking about your bad relationship. And how "I CAN'T BELIEVE he said that!" And: "So what I was thinking was..."

On and on and on. You become consumed. It takes over your life.

Then the depression hits. When you aren't obsessing how to 'win' or how to 'stay together' or how to keep from killing him/her/ are filled with a deep sorrow and loss.

Oh, and then you also realize when faced with the threat of loss how there were all these things you thought might be true or hoped were true that aren't true? You really had more faith in him/her than you thought. You thought you didn't love him/her but you really did. It's like that too--I never knew how much I loved my civil rights and peace and the lack of yammering idiocy every second (although there was lots of that) and all the things I had...Until it was gone.

I can't shut up just like those people in bad relationships can't shut up. I can't stop thinking about it. I have this constant never-ending argument in my head that never ceases. I actually have to write these out in order to have a few moments of mental clarity. And then it starts again.

Except: My bad relationship is with the United States of America. Maybe even with the people of the United States. And I can't get out of this relationship. I'm stuck in this bad relationship forever.

Will I always be this crazy then? Can't we get back to mutual indifference? I liked that so much better. Separate beds. American--you are dragging me into your dysfunctional life. I'm so codependent on you.

As Chico said: America needs therapy. "Yes, you've had a trauma. It was difficult. But you need to get on with your life. Go out, meet people. Have some fun again. Be happy. Don't take it out on everyone else. It's really not good for you. You're headed down a path of self-destruction. Get a grip on yourself...Breath. Take a deep, cleansing breath."

I'm not really sure what kind of therapy would work. Obviously, not talk therapy. 'Cause there sure has been a lot of talking. I think cognitive behavioral therapy would probably be the best--or maybe aversion therapy. Get over your phobia of terrorism, America. You need to go and lead your life.

Actually, what is America's problem. America is like the husband who is going out to the bars drinking with a bunch of assholes. Then he comes home and he thinks: "Why should I be nice to you? None of my buddies are nice to their wives. In fact, they all have chicks on the side."

America--that nice sweet America you fell in love with--is now a jerk you don't recognize anymore. Sure the fire had gone out of your relationship. Still, there was a glimmer of affection. Of hope. You knew it was for life. Now you can't wait to pack your bags and get the hell out. Except: There' s no where else to go.


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