Thursday, March 27, 2003


I don't know if you remember when the big insult was to call someone 'retarded.'

As in "Hello? Are you retarded?"

It's not very nice. But of course insults never are. I can't recall using it much when it was appropriate (e.g., between the ages of 6 and 9) but I occasionally find myself saying it now.

I tend to be a bit behind the curve.

So now...I keep hearing over and over things like "Um. The Iraqis are fighting back!" With this note of incredulity...disbelief. Amazement. How could this happen? How could we have anticipated such an unprecedented string of events? A war--where people actually fight back. Who would have imagined it? I mean, who fights back when you invade? It's just like...I don't get it. I really don't.

OK, I guess the idea actually was something like: "This army will go and shoot at you. Planes will drop bombs on you. I will come at you with a giant weapon firing a deadly round of ammunition. I will come clothed in armor with many lethal objects pointing at you. And you will sit down and wait for me and not do much. You will say 'I give up!' 'Don't shoot!' Oh, and this is actually your home, your neighborhood and stuff I will be blowing to pieces (or threatening to blow to pieces). Oh no, it's more than that! You will in fact be really, really glad to see me! You will jump for joy!

Why do you do this? Well, I told you that when I came with my massive firepower I really had this secret plan (which you don't know much about) but it involves making things a whole lot better for you. "Things suck for you now, don't they?" I said. "I know how to make them a whole lot better. I have nothing against you personally. I like you. No, I love you completely. In fact, I'm doing this all for you. Pow! Pow! Duck! I'm shooting but I'm not trying to hit you. Now...back to my secret plan to improve your life dramatically which I'll tell you about when this is all over...Once you put down that weapon and surrender."

In a certain way I guess that makes sense. Would I do that? Yes, probably. Knowing me, I would say "Stop! I give up!" But I wouldn't bet that anyone or everyone would do that. I mean, hello? How retarded.


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