Tuesday, December 03, 2002

The Beforetime

My husband refuses to read my blog. Can you believe it? One time I showed it to him and he didn’t laugh. I said: “But don’t you think it’s funny?” And he said “Well, isn’t it just like our regular life? You tell me that that fantasy all the time."

Maybe he does read it and he just says he doesn’t? Here’s how I’ll test him: “Hey baby, for Valentine’s Day we’ll go to Vegas and I’ll buy you that lap dance I promised you last year!”

Now…I’ll just sit back and wait…That’s an easy way to find out if he ever does read this.

But I guess I don’t blame him. After all, it is just like our regular life. We like to make shit up all the time and I guess the shit I make up here just isn’t all that novel.

One of my favorite things that he made up is called “The Beforetime”

See, we realized (wow…even before the Republicans won the Senate and we were going to have a war in Iraq and everything…we’re so prescient) that we are headed to a 1984-ish totalitarian situation without the 1940’s retro charm of Orwell’s 1984.

So we like to pretend that we are talking to our future offspring about ‘the beforetime…’

E.g., “Mommy, Poppy was it true that in the beforetime we did not have to wear the threneb?" [thought-reading neck brace]

“Sí mi’ja…In the beforetime they did not give you the shocks for saying nasty things about the great leaders and the president. So be a good girl and do not say unkind things about our great president and his very feminine and uncontroversial wife.”
(El chico and I want to make sure our children are completely fluent in Spanglish. We plan to speak Spanglish to them at home.)

“Mommy and Poppy I have heard that in the beforetime little children such as me could go to school because the government paid for the school. We did not have to work to make the soft leather briefcases for the great and sacred CEOs but could spend the day learning to read and write instead.”

“Ah, my daughter. It is much better that you do not know how to read and write. And school was very, very boring.”

“But in the beforetime did we have to eat always at McDonalds? Was it not permitted to cook your food at home?”

“Yes, my sweet child. But cooking is very time-consuming and the McDonald’s food was found to be the most nutritious allowing us to labor many hours far into the night. (Pero tenemos que hablar in voces más bajas porque ellos pueden oírnos…)

Aiyeee!!!!! I have been shocked by the thraneb! I forgot that we are not allowed to speak Spanish!!!

Forgive me great leader! Aaaaayyyy!!!!”

The Washington Times is published by the Moonies...but still...It's the aftertime, already?


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