Tuesday, November 04, 2003

"People want children. They actually do. They go to some trouble to reproduce..."

said the pregnant woman.

Some recent examples:

A baby is born...

Nora Smartypants arrives!

When I see these or other (select--I'm discriminating to some extent) little ones I feel a painful ache. Anticipatory love. Like when you were in 9th grade and didn't have a boyfriend and had never had a real boyfriend but you knew that you wanted one. There was someone out there to fill the void.

Such a desire seemed inauthentic, though. It seemed absurd to want a boyfriend to fill some absence and to have emotions that were attached merely to an idea rather than an actual human.

I did not trust it. I took up smoking instead and rebuffed any potential candidates. I discovered that the more detached and brooding I was the more appealing I seemed to be. It backfired a little but I couldn't do otherwise than be unreachable. Another drawback: I continued to find cigarettes irresistible until I conceived.

I thought I realized the folly of my overly rational ways. Even so, I do not trust this baby-inspired longing. I see it from a distance, puzzled. All the while I have a permanent picture in my mind of this little 6 month old girl I saw about a month ago. But then I also have noticed that there is also no real argument one can give to decide the issue either way--Should you have children? Should you not have them? I never got a handle on the question or even how to think about it. In my more objective moments it seems incredibly unwise and I'm dumbfounded. How did I let this happen? And good Lord why are people going to such insane amounts of trouble to get themselves in this kind of situation? What's the point of becoming a parent--really?

Fortunately, I don't have to think through or resolve anything anymore. I'm pregnant and the baby is sort of like my husband--the man who wouldn't take no for an answer. There it is and rationality, schmationality! And I'm besotted in spite of myself.


Post a Comment

<< Home