Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Sometimes you don't want the kids to turn out like you....

I was sick and then I talked to my youngest brother on the phone. For some reason he decided to tell me a bit about his life even though we mostly talk politics or gossip about our family. Somehow I've had the impression that he is completely straight and never drinks or does drugs.

I just found out from him his drink of choice is tequila. He can do 9 shots. Eeeek.

Oh, it takes such willpower not to say noooooo....I understand parents so well. I thought I would lull him into a false sense of security by making him think I was not terrified for him now.

Then he'll tell me shit. I'm not following the advice of the ads on those incredibly annoying posters: Or maybe I am? I think perhaps those posters encourage you to subtly pump your kids for information. Oh, I need not worry. My parents are bossy enough for 10 of me.

Judging from my own experience I suppose I could realistically say something like: Toke up...but be sure not to let the GPA fall.

There is this illusion that if you simply nag your children you will control their behavior. The worry I felt finding out even that itty bitty thing was hard to hide. I can't freak about this stuff. I've gone through this with all my siblings. The desire to keep them little since that seems safer. They grew up and he's the last.

I think I secretly want him to be a baby again. He was the most beautiful little boy. He's still beautiful. He makes me laugh so hard. When I told him I missed it when he was little he said "What, you don't like me now?" He has this great delivery.

I try to be the 'cool sister.' I think they sort of know that I am a worrywart but they always do tell me things they don't tell my parents. I don't get to know everything.

The think I'm the good one even though I was dropping acid at his age and spending the nights sleeping in the back seats of cars and things (but telling my parents I was at a friend's house). I never got caught and I never tell them the truth (so they won't be like me). To all in my family (except perhaps my middle sister who did hear some reports from friends) they regard me as a paragon of virtuous behavior.

In Mexican culture the eldest child has a lot of power and can tell the younger ones what to do. They are required to obey you. But with power comes responsibility and if your siblings screw up or have problems it is your fault and you are supposed to fix it. You are kind of like the middle manager and the parents are more like the corporation. If you set a bad example and something terrible goes wrong then you are at fault--probably for life. I don't get the blame because I did all the 'right' stuff.

But I didn't want to go so far as to actually be good. Thus, I had to be extremely good at being sneaky.

Now I'm finding out my youngest brother is just like me--unlike my other siblings who were outright rebellious he is the 'good' one and does his bad stuff on the sly. Like me, he steals the parents liquor and they have no idea.

I think that hearing about all these kids fighting in this war who are roughly his age is making me want to grab him and take him to some desert island with some castle and no draft. If this is how I am as a sister I worry how I'll be as a parent. It's frightening to love someone so much. All these people with guns who are being sent to kill or be killed were once sweet little boys.

When I get up the guts I will 'click here to enter...'

Monkey Heaven!


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