Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Up In Heaven

Up in heaven you know there's some old black lady who everyone looks up to, fawns over, gives gifts to, craves her approval. She gets the best seats in all the restaurants. She gets invited to all of Jesus's (vegan) barbeques. She had 6 kids and took care of 20 more. She was oppressed, put down and worked her fingers to the bone and gave away everything she had. And everyone in heaven will be all like, "there's MARTHA." "Let's go. MARTHA will be there." "MARTHA! Sign my robe!" And all the popes and movie stars will be bummed 'cause they don't get to go to God's poker night or be on Jesus's bowling team. No one is a pope or a movie star in heaven.

Monday, April 18, 2005


--I don't get it--why is every damn news story about picking the pope? They've interviewed practically every nun from here to Burkina Faso!

--Well, it's so much like those reality shows...it's like American Idol. Vatican Idol!

--Hmmm. What else?

--Who Wants To Marry A Priest? My Big Fat Gay Catholic Wedding. The Pope Factor...

--OK, OK, I get it! But he's probably right, you know?