Friday, September 12, 2003

Goodbye Johnny...

Johnny Cash gone...I don't even know what to say right now.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

I almost forgot about this great poem...

by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were sloppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

from dream baby...
Certain movies get stuck in my head...

It's not that they are the best movies perhaps
but are the ones that are the most evocative or bring out elements from my life...

I guess the first movie of this kind for me was Apocalypse Now--don't ask. Why I related so intensely to Lawrence of Arabia is also not something I'll bother explaining here.

In the last week it is the movie Donnie Darko.

What probably got to me is that its soundtrack is also the soundtrack of my first few years of high school. I have the songs stuck in my head now. I didn't even remember most of them but hearing them caused a memory avalanche.

How could I forget Echo and the Bunnymen?

Find out which Donnie Darko character you are... Not that you're really a Donnie Darko character, but uh...

I never quite get the quizzes.

What's the statute of limitations on plunder?

I'm in favor of reparations for slavery (the group kind, not the individual kind) but uh...this may be going back in time a little far...

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Tryin' to think of some funny links...

So you won't be too appalled at my bitterness in the following post. Wow. I'm so bitter. Sheesh. Even I didn't know how bitter I am.

Or maybe it's just low blood sugar.

No! No! I meant everything I said darn it all. But I'm still fun and stuff. Well, some of the time. When I don't feel like throwing up like I do now.

Time to visit Mimi and steal some happy Mimi links...I'm going to have to take all this time raiding Mimi...oh why can't I be a more cheerful kinda gal?

Teen foot fetish...that's so cute!

Worm World!

The wonderful world of college brochures

Don't go to grad school... Oh yeah--I second that. Unless you like being poor.

OK--gosh Mimi's links are getting rather esoteric. But she's going to adopt a baby! Cool! First Matthew, then me, now Mimi.

What is it with these 'M' names and parenthood?

Do not fear: This is not 'Miel's pregnancy blog'

Dude, no way! Not that you care.

But like all experiences this one makes me realize how annoying I find our current political climate. Or maybe the United States as a whole. I keep thinking: Why couldn't I be from Canada?

And not just because I really like maple syrup and other maple flavored things.

But also because this 'every man for himself' country is a scary place to have a baby in. What happens if I am disabled? Or lose my job? Or lose my health insurance? Or get too poor to pay for the baby's health insurance?

In general--every medical checkup I have reminds me that there are thousands and thousands of pregnant women who either can't see a doctor regularly or who must pay out of pocket to see a doctor. I guess they are supposed to leave things up to luck?

OK--that would be one thing. Yes, I've lived in and visited countries where not only does no one have health insurance but there's about 1 doctor for every 250,000 people. Where there is no health care whatsoever. Not neosporin. Not band-aids. Not advil for pain. I think the complete lack of medical care really was more shocking than the people having no shoes or 12 year olds being the size of American 5 year olds. If you get sick....sometimes you just die. Sometimes people mortgage or sell whatever they have and go to the city. Mostly, thousands of people die of things that I could probably cure just with what is currently in my medicine cabinet.

So what am I complaining about? It's simply that combined with this utter callousness toward any have not in this sickeningly affluent country is a total sanctimoniousness about 'families' and 'mothers' and 'children.' A sickening piety in a situation where almost no help is provided to anyone with children. Day care? Forget it! You are scum if you are poor but if you work to better yourself you are also scum because you aren't taking proper care of your children. And no resources are available to help those who--like me!--are scraping by at the moment. Yeah, people like me who worked their asses off in college and can barely pay the rent. Can't have any socialist rent control or anything like that now can we?

I fortunately will get a little paid maternity leave. A year ago I wouldn't have. Again--too socialist! You don't want the government interferring in your life and making it possible to spend time with your newborn (who--by the way--is ineligible for most child care).

And then there is the problem of public schooling. All I can do is hope that my child inherits those auto-didactic tendencies of my side of the family.

It's unclear to me what we will do in our current situation with respect to child care and all the rest. I'm supposed to be evil for (a) waiting to have children (b) worrying about my career. They act as if a woman's career is some kind of frivolous frippery that she is too vain to relinquish thus harming her children. Huh? I'm the one with the health insurance! Where do these people live?

I wish I didn't know all those people from Iceland--comparing their child rearing prospects to mine is just depressing!

It would be annoying to have to watch this plutocracy parade go by. It's worrying to raise our child here. But to hear all the claptrap at the same's more than I can stomach.

God bless America! Our great homeland!

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

The baby appears to be an orthodox Jew of some kind

And is making me keep kosher. It isn't only physical--it's mental. I knew from experience that I can't handle pork and so I ordered chicken egg foo yung. But I got mixed up and ate a bit of my friend's pork egg foo yung. And it wasn't a physical thing only--it was a mental thing. I couldn't get the horrid memory of it out of my mind. The same thing happened with spider rolls (soft shell crab rolls are ones of the only kind of sushi I can have since you aren't allowed raw fish). They tasted so good and yet I had these regrets for days.

So far I know these things: Whatever this creature is it apparently really likes juice, wants kosher and wants me to be rich--since getting pregnant I have become obsessed with being rich. The desire to be rich (which I've never had) was my first symptom of pregnancy.

My husband doesn't like it when I call it 'the creature' or say in a scratchy scary devil voice things like:
It wants limeade...

I'm also not supposed to call it 'the stupid baby' as in "I can't have sushi because of the stupid baby..."

Later I'll explain how I'm really a nice mommy and all the rest and eat 9 servings of fruit and vegetables a day...But c'mom! I'll have to be so good from now on! Let me have a little fun...

When people ask if I've had any 'strange cravings'...

I sometimes answer. Yes! Human flesh!

Oh, and avocados.

No, no I don't. But I did frighten my husband a bit by mentioning that I do think the first cannibals may have been pregnant women. He looked kind of scared. But he doesn't need to worry--we have plenty of non-human protein sources around.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

from Sleeve Notes--he has some great links lately. Check out the hero machine

I got a 15-- exactly average for women--on the autism spectrum quotient

I always suspect tests of this kind. But sometimes they are fun to take--you can imagine you would discover something you didn't know about yourself.

I don't know about you. I never do make such discoveries.

There are these types of people who are looking for the 'answer.' I think the question is: What's my problem? They will like this test alot.

I wonder if they will now say: Hey! Maybe I'm autistic! I think that would be pretty bizarre. If you can get to adulthood and no one notices anything's terribly wrong then you have to wonder if the thing that is wrong with you really explains why you are the way you are. Sometimes you just have to realize there is no answer to the question: What's my problem anyway? It's hard to accept but sometimes the problem you have is just the problem of human existence.

But people can be so strange sometimes. Especially the ones that live in California.
My visit to the Hamptons...

It is a very pretty place. It was a beautiful weekend and the crowds dissipate after labor day...There weren't so many people.

I suppose I understand why people would want to get away for the weekends there. Or visit. But if I had the money of some of these people? Who would go to Long Island for vacation? Who would spend millions on a house in Long Island. Is there something I simply don't understand?

Some more details about the Hamptons later.
If you're cheated by your taxi driver...

But he's African...don't fret.
Most Africans send thousands of dollars a year back home and support even semi-distant relatives, sending cousins to school, paying for old grandparents, etc....Giving an African a big (if accidental) tip is almost as good as giving to Oxfam.

Or so I said to myself when my cabdriver double fared me and I was too ? (wimpy or something) to say anything.