Friday, October 10, 2003

New Lite Bla Bla With 50% Less Politics

As I said I lightened the political bla bla because the more I wrote the more insane I became...and the amount of time it took to vent in writing what I was thinking almost jeopardized my continued employment...

However I want to quickly mention an insight I had this morning after only 3 hours of sleep that I hope you will pass on to the Democratic party and their lame ass strategists.

OK, lame ass strategist (LAS) you believe: The country leans toward the right. The dems can only win a presidential election if they appeal to the 'undecided' voter. However, this voter is really almost a Republican. Therefore, to win a presidential election the democratic president also has to be almost a Republican. While 40-45% of those voting for him are in fact true democrats the extra 10% or so you need will be Republicans and therefore the party must be tailored to accomodate this 5-10%. The rest of those who vote...i.e., the vast majority of those who vote for the candidate...are trapped and have no choice and will take what they can get. Hence, they will vote for your almost Republican over the actual Republican.

(I leave aside for now the absurdity of in fact using your own party to pass the other party's agenda....But if Nader is partly responsible for Gore's loss and what Nader said about the two parties being the same was completely stupid on a deeper level this is the reason people believed him.)

However, this is what is true (it has been obvious all along however California has just made this clearer): The undecided voter...the 5, 10, 15% is not almost a Republican. The undecided voter is just extremely stupid. When they did shows with undecided voters last presidential election this should have become quite clear...

You don't need to bother to become Republican to catch this wily but adorable voter--no, you have to appeal to the base nature of the stupid...I.e., all you need to do is tell them to vote according to (a) their resentment of others (b) their childish selfishness...and you can win without changing your party line!

Um...Oh. Oh, OK. Maybe to tell them to vote this way you do have to be Republican after all. Oh well.
Or: All the yaks in Tibet!

It's kinda obvious by now to you I'm sure that I will laugh at anything. Movies I love? I'm Gonna Git You Sucka! is a favorite. "Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein"... "High School High" is beloved. More recently? "Old School." I even loved "Saving Silverman." "Booty Call" "The Nutty Professor"--In other words I am not discriminating.

So yes, OK I laugh my ass off at Chris Rock and we watched "Bring the Pain" the other night. It's awful the shit he says but then lots of it is funny and the rest...I don't know. It's kinda funny and some of it isn't and I cringe.

My favorite line is designed to help white people understand why OJ got off by thinking about what they would do if Seinfeld was the defendant and the glove had been found by the Nation of Islam.

But he does make a claim that is utterly incorrect but that el marido heard on the metro the other day which is that people in third world countries don't have food allergies. Some guy saying this to some chick and her being all impressed though he stole the line from Chris Rock. Lactose intolerance is all over the world.

Did you ever wonder why Chinese food doesn't have cheese. Why can't you order egg rolls with extra cheese? Why is there no lo mein au gratin.

Some food allergies though. C'mon! If you have an allergy--a real allergy--you die and stuff. You don't develop itchy toes or inner conflict. No--You become unable to breathe.

Upon realizing this me and Chico have our own little saying: I wouldn't do that for all the cheese in China! It doesn't work quite as well as 'tea.' To say: I wouldn't do that for a non-existent reward somehow doesn't lend itself to the same tone of refusal...Still there is the alliteration factor...

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

When I heard about the Tiger guy--Siegfried? or Roy?

Getting mauled. I was so glad I have no TV because it worried me to think that people might make jokes about something so gruesome and tragic. Then I started to wonder: Did they? And then: What were they? What were the tiger mauling jokes? Email me some, 'kay?

But I swear! It's only because he's making a recovery!
Sometimes I wonder...

Do other people find imagining they did something almost as satisfying as actually doing it?
For example, I imagine this incredible success for myself that I am perhaps too lazy to achieve and I enjoy that experience tremendously. It's like I live in my own little Matrix.
Vote for Proposition 64M

To outlaw the use of canned mushrooms...anywhere.

Mushrooms! These things do not can! It is a crime against all fungus to can them.

I can't believe marijuana is illegal and yet the use of canned mushrooms is legal. This truly must end.

Thank you.

Sunday, October 05, 2003

It will change your life, etc.

Anyone who is expecting children has to listen to waaaaayyyy too many people universalize about their own experiences. OK, we all have. People are incredibly preachy and boringly didactic when they talk about procreation. I never paid much attention to it, actually. People would say the most uncanny and absurd things. Such as: Everything you do has to be for them. Oh, and the preachiness. You have to breastfeed. They should sleep in the bed with you. They should not sleep in the bed with you. Pick them up. "Look at the baby! Look at the baby!"

It's getting to me these days. I tuned it out before but it gets a bit harder when it (I'm sure mistakenly) seems relevant.

There seem to be several dominant themes in the: 'what procreation does to you' genre. Among these are 'it's really hard.' And 'it will change your life.' There is also the: It 'saves your life' theme. And the 'it gives you perspective' theme. Not to mention the 'it gives your life meaning' theme.

Because my family is very, very close I already know what it's like to love people intensely and to love them much more than I love myself. I've made sacrifices for other people (not recently, I guess). I think I have the relevant data to imagine certain types of emotional intensity and commitment, etc., etc. And I suppose the rest will be a bit of a surprise but is not so far afield of normal human emotion that I will be unbelievably shocked by it even if it will not be what I expect.

I've cared for infants. It was easy when I was young. I know that I don't have the patience I had then and even then the boredom got to me. So I'm assuming already it's going to be a big pain.

I would be extremely surprised, actually, if my experience perfect fits the platitudes that I've been hearing for years--although more vociferously lately since my friends started having children. I'm weird and people are always telling me that things will turn out a certain way at a particular age and I will feel a certain way when I reach some life milestone and I never seem to.

I try to avoid the temptation of this other platitude I hear-- to think that having a child will transform my character in some total way--e.g., that flaky me will become a responsible adult. That I just don't find plausible.

I have only to look at my own parents as examples of people who have not complied with any of the parent prescriptions.

I'm not sure why I wrote this exceedingly long preamble but there is this one thing I am curious about: What will it do with the freaky angst I've always had?

It's the sort of thing one doesn't admit in mixed company (and should definitely avoid telling medical professionals) but I've always been unable to shake the deep seated belief that life is a bit more trouble than it's worth. I've had a passive wish for death that goes back into early childhood. I'm conscientious and overly concerned with how things turn out for me and I am simultaneously disengaged, disenchanted and hoping to get out of the trouble of existence.

But if you are a mommy you just don't get to die. Mommies have to stay alive. So when I'm in a plane now I often think: 'Gosh, if this plane crashed I'm sure I'd be quite afraid as we were going down in flames but it sure would save me a whole lot of bother collecting my luggage and getting to work and all the rest.' I've always thought there is an upside to death. I'm not unafraid. I do understand the idea that you want a certain allotment of time, that there is the unknown to contend with and the like. It's simply that I know that life inevitably brings some suffering and I can't help but be seduced by the idea of avoiding suffering even when I also miss out on 'the good things'. I'm a slacker--I hate the pressure. I had the fun, I had the youth, I had the travels. Now I want to get out while the going is good.

So that's what I'm curious about--what am I going to think in those situations now? Already I take a very different attitude toward any harm that might come to me. I've become this baby-vessel...I worry about myself the way an investment banker worries about his new Jag. I'm not sure where that will go when I'm not the vessel anymore. Will I actually embrace life? Or become resigned to the probable 30-50 more years I have left? Will my selfish desire to avoid discomfort, sadness, deprivation, humiliation and loss by non-existence be transformed by the utter dependence of another person upon me? Or will I still crave escape on a regular basis?

I guess I'll see.

Still, I promise I won't go around boring you with the anecdote of how my baby transformed my death wish...No, really. I won't add to the slag heap of child-related conversation.

Click here for a totally cliche-free account of childbirth...or as she calls it 'poppin' sprog'...Warning: Not for the squeamish.